If that was your dad, he is hot
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I want a musical about memes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
