it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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