I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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