Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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