soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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