we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
