i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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