So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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