hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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