Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
