this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize