12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
