Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just blew my weed a kiss
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
