My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize