I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
