we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
