My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize