is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
