it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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