This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize