When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
