So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
