The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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