My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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