Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
