So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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