So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
