Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
