I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
