The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
