No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
