Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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