I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
