It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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