i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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