I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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