Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
