I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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