12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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