i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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