my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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