can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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