i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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