I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drake has all the answers
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
