I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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