I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
