When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize