Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize