I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
