Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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