my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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