I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
