I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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