just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
