I saw his package. It spoke to me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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