you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
