don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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