If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
