were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize