I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
