Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
