You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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