I cannot find my penis.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
